Shooting the SH*! For Real

Someone requested I retell this true story from 2005.  WARNING, profanity.

So I'm at home trying to relax and had to use the restroom, I had a nice neat number 2, flushed and down it...down it....down...SHIT...it didn't go down!

Being super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman say to myself. Self! This is a job for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman hop in the trusty 2000 Dodge (which wasn't as trustworthy as initially planned and just got traded in for a wonder of German engineering complete with heated leather seats and walnut trim) and drove to my local hardware store.

Upon entering I made a beeline past all of the helpful hardware men and saw this fantastic futuristic top of the line looking plunger in PURPLE and best of all...it was ON SALE for $4.99. What a deal. Bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store.

Returned from the hardware store with a feeling of accomplishment and excited to test the power strength and function of this new darn fangled super plunger!

I positioned the plunger, and with one smooth, sure, confident push proceeded to...send SHIT shooting out of the bowl in every direction...TWICE...and then...just then...the phone rang. And my shit covered bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store ass was stupid enough to answer it.

Hello, is this Maya a sweet civilized voice spoke through the other end of the phone I said yes, yes it is, trying my best to disguise that I was two seconds away from blowing chunks from looking at a bathroom floor covered in shit from my malfunctioning new darn fangled super plunger. It was my God-Sister calling to say she was in Chicago for ONE NIGHT, just one night and wanted to know what there was to get into. Now the typically non shit covered bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient i'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store would've picked up on that hidden request of, come get me and show me around but unfortunately, how do you explain to someone you don't really know that you cannot come outside and play today because you took a shit and it wouldn't flush, and you somehow managed to turn the simple act of plunging into an absolute disaster and am now clutching to the phone trying to figure out how to deal with this...SHIT.

So, I did what any bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store would do and...LIED...oh yeah...and it was a GOOD one too. Politely said, I'm just finishing up cooking dinner, there isn't much going on this evening, can I give you a call back later in the evening? (yes, you can start booing now) What was I supposed to do? Oh. I'm sorry, I'm busy shooting shit around my bathroom, I can't talk to you right now.

Anyway. I grabbed my receipt and threw the $4.99 special super plunger thingy into a bag and marched it right back into the place with the helpful hardware men (NO, i didn't bother to rinse it off, I wanted them to know how 'functional' the damn thing was), got the good ol' fashioned plunger that we all grew up seeing at our grandparents house...you know the hideous one with yellow handle and the black bottom with the fold out lip thing. (I assume that lip thing was for grandpa sized clogs).

So, finally, two trips and shit everywhere later I returned to the scene of the crime, carefully positioned old fashioned plunger, one push and SQUOOOOSSSHHH...it all went down. YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout SON! YEAH! Who's your DADDY! YEAH! Bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store strikes again, and the world is saved and safe from flying shit for another day.

The End.

The moral of this story is...is...is...It's ok to be cheap, it's ok to try new things, but it's not the most excellent idea to try new cheap things...like $4.99 new darn fangled super plungers. You get what you pay for...a good clean SQUOOOOSSSH or SHOOTING SHIT.

You choose your own adventure!