While I am on the subject...

As we get older it is interesting to note the things you took fore granted in your earlier days.
I don't think I'm "old" but I am developing shining senior moments.
What?
My previous blurb was about a plumbing issue. But let me tell you what has changed since 2005. Forget the plunger what I get really thankful for is a good regular BM. Yup. I said it. POOP!!!
I am no doctor but wonder what happens when you pass your 20s and realize you do not have stomach of steel. Strange things begin to occur after cheese or alcohol consumption. Taco bell tacos somehow turn into ex-lax, that BBQ cheeseburger becomes a massive hunk of constipation, 20 minutes of chewing turns into a week of bloated gassy hot mess.
When the heck did I become so consumed about adequate fiber consumption, when did my stomach stop being flat and turn into a giant gas production plant after meals?
Yes, everybody poops, but what in the world happens when it goes from whatever to WTF!?!?
This is similar to when I caught myself being so excited over a new washer and dryer. Me? I'm not even domestic but to this day I get happy just looking at those high efficiency clothes cleaning marvels.
It will be interesting to see what moves from behind the scenes to center stage as the years go by. Now, it's poop. What's next?
I guess only time will tell and then I will tell you.
Good night and good poos!
Konsyl Natural Psyllium Fiber - 100 Capsules - Supplements
Naturade 58155 Softex Stool Softener

Shooting the SH*! For Real

Someone requested I retell this true story from 2005.  WARNING, profanity.

So I'm at home trying to relax and had to use the restroom, I had a nice neat number 2, flushed and down it...down it....down...SHIT...it didn't go down!

Being super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman say to myself. Self! This is a job for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman hop in the trusty 2000 Dodge (which wasn't as trustworthy as initially planned and just got traded in for a wonder of German engineering complete with heated leather seats and walnut trim) and drove to my local hardware store.

Upon entering I made a beeline past all of the helpful hardware men and saw this fantastic futuristic top of the line looking plunger in PURPLE and best of all...it was ON SALE for $4.99. What a deal. Bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store.

Returned from the hardware store with a feeling of accomplishment and excited to test the power strength and function of this new darn fangled super plunger!

I positioned the plunger, and with one smooth, sure, confident push proceeded to...send SHIT shooting out of the bowl in every direction...TWICE...and then...just then...the phone rang. And my shit covered bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store ass was stupid enough to answer it.

Hello, is this Maya a sweet civilized voice spoke through the other end of the phone I said yes, yes it is, trying my best to disguise that I was two seconds away from blowing chunks from looking at a bathroom floor covered in shit from my malfunctioning new darn fangled super plunger. It was my God-Sister calling to say she was in Chicago for ONE NIGHT, just one night and wanted to know what there was to get into. Now the typically non shit covered bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient i'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store would've picked up on that hidden request of, come get me and show me around but unfortunately, how do you explain to someone you don't really know that you cannot come outside and play today because you took a shit and it wouldn't flush, and you somehow managed to turn the simple act of plunging into an absolute disaster and am now clutching to the phone trying to figure out how to deal with this...SHIT.

So, I did what any bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store would do and...LIED...oh yeah...and it was a GOOD one too. Politely said, I'm just finishing up cooking dinner, there isn't much going on this evening, can I give you a call back later in the evening? (yes, you can start booing now) What was I supposed to do? Oh. I'm sorry, I'm busy shooting shit around my bathroom, I can't talk to you right now.

Anyway. I grabbed my receipt and threw the $4.99 special super plunger thingy into a bag and marched it right back into the place with the helpful hardware men (NO, i didn't bother to rinse it off, I wanted them to know how 'functional' the damn thing was), got the good ol' fashioned plunger that we all grew up seeing at our grandparents house...you know the hideous one with yellow handle and the black bottom with the fold out lip thing. (I assume that lip thing was for grandpa sized clogs).

So, finally, two trips and shit everywhere later I returned to the scene of the crime, carefully positioned old fashioned plunger, one push and SQUOOOOSSSHHH...it all went down. YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout SON! YEAH! Who's your DADDY! YEAH! Bargain plumbing 101 for super homeowner self-sufficient I'm doin' my thang woman with a trusty dodge in a hardware store strikes again, and the world is saved and safe from flying shit for another day.

The End.

The moral of this story is...is...is...It's ok to be cheap, it's ok to try new things, but it's not the most excellent idea to try new cheap things...like $4.99 new darn fangled super plungers. You get what you pay for...a good clean SQUOOOOSSSH or SHOOTING SHIT.

You choose your own adventure!

Praise IS what I do.

I NEVER thought I would be a Christian. I thought God had abandoned me and therefore didn't have a strong relationship through my teens and early 20s.
I did have a solid foundation growing up in a small town baptist church every Sunday with my grandma, grandpa, cousins and friends. It was that foundation and the help of members in the Bank One Choir in Atlanta who saved me from myself and held my hand as is struggled to make amends and reconnect with the God who saved me from certain death from a pulmonary embolism. It took fighting for each breath to wake me out of the stupor that I was in control. I was not. God was, and had been all my life, I was just too human to notice.

God placed doctors, the hospital, and people at the right times and all in the right places. The ER docs said I was 20 minutes away from death.
Through the prayers of others, friends, family and learning how to stand in faith and live a fulfilled life miracles have occurred for me and my husband throughout our lives and today for the FIRST time EVER, it was me praising God with my hands, my feet, and my voice letting go and giving God everything I had to the point of exhaustion just to say. Thank you.
Whether you believe in God, Dog, nothing. Take time, reminisce and thank who ever and whatever deserves it. Don't wait. You may not get a second chance. And back to the point. I never thought I'd be a Christian especially not a proud member of a good ol fashioned Pentecostal church family where the Holy Ghost will snatch you up and carry you into praise as it did to me today. Have a blessed Sunday. Love the ones your with and more importantly, forgive and love your enemies.

What You Need When you Need It

Frequently I find myself struggling to stand firm in faith but am unaware of how trying my struggle is until my body revolts, lack of faith leading to stress and stress leading to physical manifestations of lethargy and anti-social behavior.

The Lord works in mysterious ways and through hints and the placement of people, their words and circumstances strengthen my faith when it falters.

At church today I was surprised by the teaching of a Deacon and am sharing my notes with you:

God has moved us to a season where the opponents aren't falling as quickly as before, and we begin to get wary, and the enemy begins to trigger in our mind that He won't do what He promised He would do.

They that wait on the Lord in the midst of your waiting don't give up, don't give in. As He is renewing your spirit. I will bless you for every pain that you suffered.

Instead of complaining pay attention to where you are going. Do not lose control in the midst of your storm. Through the storm, I carry you through all of it.

Don't grow weary. Don't lose heart and keep your eyes on God.

AMEN!

The little gems and hints such as my notes from this Deacon's message on a day I really needed to receive the message are how I get through.

Thought I would share my survival tactics with the few of you who care to follow my rants, chats, and raves.

Thank you.

Relaxation in the Strangest Places

I had to do it. I had to get away. Far away from it ALL.

At Six Flags White Water.

I hate crowds, this decision makes NO SENSE.

Until I find my way to the lazy river snag a two-person float sprawl out and float aimlessly around and around in a giant circle entirely oblivious for teens, adults, children and whatever else floats along with me. I open my eyes and only look UP. The simulated river rocks my tube gently as I slowly drift past beautiful trees under bridges and a sunny sky with white fluffy clouds I can turn into elephants, martini glasses, and Theodore Roosevelt. As well as feeling completely inappropriate checking out the cute little lifeguards trying to be cool while working with their small aviator shades, bright red safety shades, and whistles. Can't forget the whistles.

After soaking for about an hour, it's time to hop on the one water slide without a line, and it is well worth the lack of wait. Fast, catch some air on some bumps and a gentle splashdown.

I avoid the evil food kiosks filled with sugar bombs, preservatives, fat and who knows what else.

Here I am. Relaxed, happy, carefree and thoroughly enjoying myself as the lifeguards practice saving each other in the wave pool I even get some live entertainment along with six flags radio playing top 40 age and genre neutral music throughout the park. I notice they play power ballads and other energizing types of songs. I am now curious about the science or marketing decisions behind the music selection. Will one song drive guests to the food courts, will another prompt them to a thrill ride? Maybe I am over thinking this, what's worse is I just began a sentence with maybe. I mentally slap my hand and while I'm at it wonder if I have used too many instances of I.

WHATEVAHHHHH!!!

Back to basking on this lounge chair like a lizard warming itself on a rock and blogging (this may become a new obsession, if I start uploading podcasts you know I may need a social media intervention).

Have a blessed day all. Signing out.

- The Lady in a not so itty bitty black and white polka dot Bikini (swim dress ).

All about Da Feet

I keep on reading about the majority of the medical community frowns upon bare feet, they believe you must have this support and that support and cushy mushy insole foot twerping reticulators.

CRAP!  ALL CRAP!

We were born with feet and feet were made to be walked on and because of all this mush and push insole and support our feet never learn or become strong enough to support us.  If you have flat feet, you need flat feet; if you have high arches, your body needs high arches, don't fight them.  Kick off those shoes and embrace them, if you don't want to mess up your pedicure, wander around in socks but I am a convert.

Rarely do I push a product but I have to say that after switching to Vibram Five Fingers I have had little to no lower back pain and zero knee pain from walking, especially doing heavy hill work.  I even ran in them quite comfortably until I had to quit running for other reasons.


Be kind to your feet and USE THEM.  I had a kickstand deployment malfunction and dropped my motorcycle on my left foot, even with boots on I suffered a high ankle sprain and a sprained foot, however, the doctor said that my ankle and foot muscles were so well developed they also saved me from an actual break.  Those ankle and foot muscles were strengthened from barefoot walking and running.  

I wear my heels to the office, but the second I am able it is back to natural free toes.

Try it; you might like it.

If you are interested, here is some great information for beginners: Barefoot Running for Beginners.  

Aging is AWESOME!

It has been a while, but I'm back.  Still working at my favorite new place of employment only three days a week but by the grace of God, the bills get paid.

So, I decided it was time to get healthier after gaining 30 pounds in 2008 quitting smoking and getting married which I have NOT been able to get off through diet and exercise I have begun the HCG diet.

So far not so bad except last night I wiped myself out by taking a sauna BEFORE I had dinner.  I will NEVER do that again.  Other than that, 500 calories per day are painless. Food choices are ample and comfortable to prepare as I steamed almost all of my food anyway.  I haven't killed my husband or tried to eat my coworkers.  All I need is to remove this 30 pounds which won't go away.  I don't need to look like I'm 21 anymore, I am 35 and enjoy a few of my hard earned curves, however, my weight was no longer healthy, my cholesterol was not at a healthy level, and my usually naturally low blood pressure had turned to 'normal' and occasionally elevated.  

I am only 5'4" and tipped the scales at 178 pounds at my heaviest.  I was a little worried about my current medications, but it turns out the HCG does not interact with any, and hopefully, the weight loss will get me off one or two of them.

I have begun doing yoga on Netflix and had already been walking on a daily basis.  After noticing a correlation (which the doctors never believed) between trips to the ER for GI distress and my exercise rituals, so I am starting from scratch.

I had been trained since fourth grade to ignore those subtle and not so subtle signals while pushing through the pain, so my head does not realize I am an average woman no longer an athlete, nor does it tell me when I push too hard.    Due to that fact, my internal organs were getting beat up by the intense strain of my workout activities, bursting, stretching, inflammation all leading to trips to the ER and in a few cases hospital stays. Now, I walk, not fast but sometimes far, walk, preferably barefoot or when required in my Vibram five fingers, the way God made us to, naturally.  On the treadmill, I read the bible and walk.  The NIV version reading plan is like a juicy novella to me.  I'm not super churchy, but I do have a lot of faith.

I decided to read the bible, ALL OF IT, to obtain my understanding and it is exciting stuff.  I wouldn't have expected me to be so fascinated by these things. And now to my point, if you got bored and were about to click to another blog. HERE IS THE POINT, THE IMPORTANT POINT, WHY YOU SHOULD CONTINUE READING RIGHT HERE. PLEASE!!!!

Age is a fantastic teacher.  We become humble, pray we don't become hardened, learn to choose and use our words as tools and weapons rather than the mouth diarrhea of our youth.  Love harder, hate less or at least hide it better.  And at a certain age begin learning how to accept the inevitable loss of older and sometimes younger friends and family. I will fight the aging process to stay healthy and enjoy a more productive aging process and hopefully more robust 'golden years' but the rest of IT (aging that is) I am joyfully leaning into for all it's worth.  This is what life is about,  living your life and becoming more and more yourself as you grow into yourself and age.  I used to be afraid of getting old and now that I am out of my 20s, slowly but surely I love this new version of me, smarter, better looking (in my mind), a better person, a caring person and definitely NOT who I thought I would grow up to be which in my case is a good thing. Love yourselves.  Love those who love you.  As my Father spoke these words of wisdom to me years ago, I now speak them to you.

"What does a tree do?  Grow.

What happens when a tree stops growing?  It dies.

What are trees?  Living things.

What are we?  Living things.

How do we grow?  Through learning.

What happens when we stop learning?  We begin to die.

So what are you going to do?  Never stop learning."

- Arthur Lorenzo Carnegie

Here he is having an intriguing conversation.